I really didn't, but I did. I accidentally, found someone's old journal entry. It was written in November of 2012, and it was the last entry as well. This person left dA, moved on to better things I hope. The journal entry however just felt so devoid of hope. He or she mentioned how no one ever found the dA account unless pointed towards it. Even then the random visitors were rare.
"My works do not represent much of any value. It's time to face things, I can't learn how to draw. I will never be one of the cool kids, I'm almost 30, chronically depressed, don't know what I want to do with my life. Soon I'll forget how to use my own legs, but before that I'll get bald, because I can't stop pulling hair out of my head."
A direct quote from this person. The only thing one can do after reading that, is remember to stay focused. Even if the path is not clear, or doesn't exist quite yet.
Funny thing is I found that journal, after looking for alternative websites to deviantArt. Not quite because I want to leave, but because there's no space here for more people trying to make money off their art. The big boys and girls are already sitting pretty on top of the Deviant Art food chain, which means small fry like me doesn't stand a chance. Dreams of grandeur aside one has to be realistic.
Still reading such depressing thought, did put a kink or two in my armor. So counteract that I'll make a list of things I want to accomplish. I suggest all my friends to do this. Its important not to forget about our goals, and believe me its easy to do.
So here it goes. I want to!:
-get better at painting environments.
-be able to paint whatever I dream (literally) exactly as I see it.
-to draw people in more dynamic poses.
-to develop a painting style, specially for characters.
-to add color to my gallery.
-to take all those character drawings, to the next stage.
-ultimately, to have more Finished pieces in my gallery.
-I want to get better at programming. (my newest obsession)
-to one day, get my Masters in Computer Science and learn more about artificial intelligence.
-to improve doing 3d environments.
-but most importantly, to remember why I love 3D in the first place.
-above all, I want to get past how horrible four years of college felt for me. How crippling it was in an artistic sense. I did what they told me, and ended up the last two years just as chronically depressed as that person above.
That last one is the most important one, even if its last and it is last because it hurts so much to admit. When you feel broken it feels sort of humiliating to admit such a thing. Specially if you've always and still pride yourself in being strong and unmovable.
Take it as you wish. A rant. A useless waste of space. Something that makes you think. Or maybe it inspires you. Perhaps it might even remind you of who you are, and what you want. I certainly cannot stop you from thinking its a cry for attention, or another silly deviant fishing for some pity.
However you interpret it, doesn't much matter to me. Just look inside yourself. We all forget things sometimes, important things. We neglect parts of ourselves too.
Anyway, if you also have a list. Feel free to leave it in the comments. I'd love to know what your goals are. Who knows? Some of us may even a share a few of such goals.